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About Deviant Artist m-richelieuFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
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Loving the weather. I can't help but love rainy days and Mondays. Especially now that the rain is so lively. It's tumbling through the dark clouds, dark enough that I can see with clarity without having to wear sunglasses. Sometimes, a lot of times, the light reflects off the clouds making it feel even brighter. I sometimes feel like I stick out even more because I'm the only one wearing sunglasses on a cloudy or rainy day. But days like this, when the clouds are just dense and murky enough I can go out and run and jump and play and not worry about losing my specs. The rhythm is a staccato. The leaves are jumping and swaying joyously in the little gusts and I can't help but feel a bit happy even though I can barely see out the glass.

Still writing my novel, the first book is done. I'm proud. Wish Sand was more involved and we could write the second together. The second has almost 400 pages pre-edit and I haven't even gotten to where I feel is the "end" of the book. I'm doing a lot of dialogue and setting up of characters and relationships because soon that's going to be overshadowed by the "antagonistic forces" coming from all sides. I'm always making relationships and friendships important in my work. It gives a character a reason to act one way or another. To have this qualm, make this mistake and try to fix it after A, B, C and D occur. I haven't heard from her for a while but I've been sick and tired and coping with a lot so I should check my messages. I'll hopefully find one from her. Sandra's second book is long out. The Secret World of Magic picks up right where the first left off. I'm a fan of Thal and Emma. They are so cute. I love how they get closer in the book. Thal sucks at making name. He's not very imaginative, but it's part of his charm too.

My health is improving for the most part. I was helped along by a great friend who brought up food allergies and that perhaps I could try to eliminate something to see how my body reacted. First on the list was gluten. It's hard, because a lot of times I don't have enough money to eat (need more work). I have to go hungry surrounded by all these tasty breads. But being a wee peckish is better than blowing chunks, coughing up blood, being sick and tired and weak. I still can't build any more muscle but I do have more definition and I am stronger. It seems I'm one of those people that's not going to have like awesome musculature (not that I want it. I just look and wonder what I would be like if I could have more muscle. It's strong, stringy muscles for me. I look more feminine anyway. Bonus!

I haven't felt this great ever. I lost, gosh, over 40 pounds! I'm still chubby but I can do so much more. My weight has been fairly stable for over a year now. I think I want to lost more weight and I love two pounds this month so that's my clue to go forward with it. I eat as much as I want and I find I'm not as tired and fatigued. I've always been sickly since I was 11, and that's not going to change. But I can do things to stay healthier for a long time, to mitigate that chance of relapse, save my eyes and hold on long as I can. I feel better. I might never be 100%. But I sure can get close. 

It still makes me sad that I only wanted to be a pilot and to be sick. I say that I'm following the romantic, traditional motif of the sickly writer/artist who wants so much more than this. Even though I'm still not sure what I want. You want something from the time you're a little girl, get told all your life to give up because it's not happening, take up something (for me it was always art and wanting to fly) and being told that's stupid too, then realizing you can have your dream! Only to have it taken away it a single second. My accident was life altering and heart shattering. It hurt a lot more than not being able to walk. There was a lot to it. It's mostly a healed wound, I just try to not pick at it or dig into it.

I've had other things happen. I was lucky to have counseling when my grandmother did because my councilor helped me cope better and finally acknowledge that there was abuse in my childhood. And again when my abuser was reintroduced in my adulthood. This time with help! Nothing says betrayal like coming to on the floor, staring up at someone whom you love, just staring at you in disgust and malice while everything keeps going dark. I've been in fights before, but nothing hurt like that. It's hard to get over something like that. It's always in the back of my mind when I look at this person. I still have nightmares about it. And then to see another one of the players from stage return after two years, I froze up, kept looking at him. I felt the bond I'd had with this man since I could remember was broken. Nothing like abuse to fuck you up.

It was physical and metal. Try as I did to stay quiet, rarely be seen, not be heard, living outside in a tent, it wasn't enough. I still got my head beat and my memory is still fuzzy in some spots. Remembering some things seems impossible, like I can almost reach it, it's right there. I almost have it and it's gone. I do memory exercises and that's helped. But once in a while I start to panic because "I should freakin' know that!" 

A lot of things are still fuzzy. I still have nightmares, but I'm more in control now. I have more faith in myself that I can take on this monster. Time and time again if I need to. I still have fears where I can almost remember what happened, the feel of it on the back of my neck, but I can't remember. I talk with a good friend about these things. He's very understanding and he said something I was afraid to say aloud: That if I did remember these things, that I could lose my tenacious grip on reality. I'm well adjusted, I've done all those little personality tests and disposition tests and I found out I'm rather boring and in balance. I'm proud of that.

I take painting classes. They do a lot to soothe me. I'm training my memory, doing something I never could and wanted to desperately, and cheating up my art skills! I have painting, real paintings and people want to buy them! Yet, I can't bear to let them go. I should find my camera again so I can upload a few pictures so you all can see what I've been up to.

So, why am I writing a such a personal entry when I haven't done just this in years? I think I should explain my absence and my wish to let go of fan fictions and submerse I don't want to leave them unfinished though. It's, it's just been rough. I realized a few weeks ago when someone close to me died in a motorcycle accident. All arrows point to someone crashing into him, breaking every bone in his body and him, with broken hands, probably unable to let go in time to avoid running into a seven foot wide wall in the middle of a field. The police are still investigating. And I feel an irrevocable sadness for his death and the fact I couldn't be there to see him buried. I just, to be in the same building sent me into a panic. I couldn't breathe and I was so very, very afraid. It's colored my life since then. I keep looking for things to smile about and I find them. I try to live in that happy moment and I hold the memory because it can make me happy when things get rough.

I started gardening again. This time I have sunflowers. And tomatoes. The sunflowers started late but are still going strong. I love sunflowers. They always made me feel more peaceful, like everything was going to be okay. And it will be. It will be.

I spend more time with my friends because I shut down for a long time. I'm happier for it. Even though were busy, we meet up once in a while and just laugh and be silly and things are better than when we first met!

I've put out a few poems in the last couple of years. Flicker and Shatter are my favorites. I adore Second-hand Smoke. And turn the light on took from June of this year to it's publication to write. I can't say I hate any of my recent work. I worked it best I could and I like what I made. It's no fan fiction. It won't garner tons of favorites and comments, but I love my work. I do. I love writing. I want to write things that make my feel good and happy. I wanted to change, and I'm changing. I feel stronger some days, even though fear can still paralyze me. I take a deep breath, hold on tight and I try my best.

And, here is the poem to start a whole new body of work, and hopefully to exhuming the old:


Turn the light on
By Merrique Lynn Richelieu

Turn the light on

A stranger thinking aloud
In a language no one can understand
Pick me up and hose me down
Left alone on the shores of a dark land

Turn the light on

Destroy all the shadows
Shining it brighter than the surface of the sun
Turn the light on
Burn all the shadows until there's nowhere to run

Burn away all the shadows
Show what's going on below

Buzzing between my ears—
Leftover from another abandoned experiment
Turned over from a lost life
A welt so deep I can never let another in

Can't keep living on thought control
Listening to the pumping of machines
Wide eyes open still unable to see
Hearing words but not a single meaning

Rest my heart's desperate beat
Ramming hard against my bones
Keep them from nipping my feet
Burn away all the shadows

Kisses still linger
From nights long buried
Things I can't forget
That dig their claws into me

That was what I get for wishing
Branches dancing in the wind
And in truth, I'll never be dirt-free
Shadows festering within

Turn the light on
Shining it brighter than the surface of the sun
Turn the light on
Burn all the shadows until there's nowhere to run

A heart that glowed like a lightning bolt
Take it from its box locked up tight
It was enough to make me not go
Hold the taboo up to the light

With nothing left to hold
I should just let you go

You left me alone in this town
Condemned to navigate starless skies and rotten inns
A stranger doomed to think out loud
Beside creatures looking through me with their bony grins

Rest my heart's desperate beat
Ramming hard against my bones
Keep them from nipping my feet
Burn away all the shadows

Shining it brighter than the surface of the sun
Burn out my eyes until there's nothing left
Burn all the shadows until there's nowhere to run
Burn the light so bright that I can finally see

  • Listening to: Deadmau5 - Professional Griefers
  • Reading: Not reading, WRITING!
  • Watching: Trick 'r Treat
  • Playing: around
  • Eating: Baked gingerbread skeletons
  • Drinking: Stars and Stripes Diet Cola

deviantID

m-richelieu

Artist
United States
Current Residence: California
deviantWEAR sizing preference: a medium fits well.
Print preference: Large for my barren wall
Favourite genre of music: Electronica, rock, all kinds really. I'm a sucker for anthems
Favourite photographer: Keitaro-K
Favourite style of art: traditional and writing
Operating System: lap top
MP3 player of choice: It's Chinese bootleg~
Shell of choice: whadda? you confuse-a me with all your fancy jargon
Wallpaper of choice: Sunflowers
Favourite cartoon character: I rarely dislike characters
Personal Quote: If you touch my laptop, I will shove something hard and sandpapery up your ass.
Interests

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:icontooloftheday:
ToolOfTheDay Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you very much for the watch!!! Smiling Pug 
Reply
:iconwhite-dragon-freya:
white-dragon-freya Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014
thanks for the watch ^^
Reply
:iconquitscheenteofdoom:
QuitscheenteOfDoom Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Joho^^ Thanks for the watch!
Reply
:iconsilver-kitsuneneko:
Silver-KitsuneNeko Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014

I’m sorry it’s late but thank you for the watch! :icondragonglomp: 

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:icondoubleox515:
doubleox515 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Mate, thank you so much for the watch!~ It's much appreciated :heart::tighthug:~
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:iconravens-of-rome:
Ravens-of-Rome Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the +Watch! :D
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:iconyandarl:
YandaRL Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch~!:iconfoxyayzplz:
I'm really late...Sorry! :iconfoxsobplz:
Reply
:iconhybrid-empress:
HYBRiD-eMPReSS Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there, just wanted to let you know, I got your note, and I'm still reading it xD Haven't had a lot of time to finish it lately, but I'm reading it, and I should be finished and reply sometime soon ^o^ I just hate leaving people uncertain so I decided to let you know X3
~Rose
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:iconm-richelieu:
m-richelieu Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013
It's groovy. I know it was long but fair is fair and people should have the facts for a commission to be fair. I've been at the hospital with my dad for almost... a week? Time's been wonky for me. It's been like, I don't know, the fifth or sixth time he's had to be admitted in the last three weeks. I've been hopeful yeah, but if you had replied, I might have been the one to leave you hanging. So, it's all good in the end.
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